By
Deborah Porter
Can you really be happy when in the midst of life's storms?
Let me begin by telling you that I have been in the valley of the shadow.
I have experienced things in my life good and bad, very painful and joyful. I have experienced things that most people do not experience. Some may experience one or two of them, but very few ever experience ALL of them. While I have regrets for lost relationships or certain behaviors that have caused pain for others, I do not regret my life. I have learned that you never know what life has in store for you. Gardeners know that the ground is working the hardest when it is barren. It is always the most difficult before it blooms.
There are no accidents. There is only failure when you quit. You are at the exact place in your life where you are supposed to be, to learn the lessons you need to learn to grow and progress. THAT is what motivated you to find me, to read this article. You may feel injured, trapped, lost or afraid. Perhaps something is not working in your life, something is off balance, something is missing and you want to change it.
You have done all the personal growth work.
You know so much about yourself.
But that really hasn't changed the demons inside, has it?
You still just aren't happy. You still do things you wish you didn't do and don't do things that you wish you did do.
Maybe your mind assaults you and keeps you worried late into the night, or maybe you notice it's the negative emotions that keep stalking you.
Any compliment you are given is responded to by that quiet inner voice that says 'FRAUD'.
You can't seem to get rid of them no matter what you do.
First you need to understand that it's not your fault.
No, it's not your fault nothing has changed yet.
It is just that you keep on trying to change the wrong things. You may know clearly what you need to change about yourself, but like me, you weren't shown HOW to change those things. You can release negative experiences from your past so they no longer affect you, but HOW do you create within you a core change to be able to maintain peace and serenity within yourself when new things happen that pummel you?
Let me explain the three most common myths keeping you stuck.
MYTH #1: CHANGING YOUR THINKING CHANGES YOUR LIFE
This myth is so pervasive you find it in almost all self-help literature. And really, it sounds great, doesn't it?
But there is a reason it hasn't worked for you: Simply changing your thinking doesn't have the power to make you happy.
That's right.
What you think does not define your life although it does have power over you. Rather, it's how you FEEL that is the secret to happiness. It is not just about the mind - or what I call the mental body.
It's about the emotions - what I call the emotional body.
You see, when you feel good, you don't have negative thoughts. Things look bright and you see the good in your life. You see the good in your relationships with your partner, friends and family. You are full of hopes, dreams, desires, and the possibilities for what can be. You see the positive traits in yourself and those in your life. You feel as if you can make it through anything.
But when you feel bad, you have lots of negative thoughts. You have negative thoughts about yourself, your relationships, and your life in general. You see a running list of the negative traits of those in your life. Things seem dark or hopeless. You feel like a failure in even the most basic of things. You do not feel hope. You lose your dreams and desires. The possibilities for what can be only center on failing and hopelessness. There is a constant dark cloud that stays with you even when good things happen.
So instead of focusing on only changing your thoughts, you need to learn to also transform your feelings.
But wait, isn't it true that you feel what you feel? I had always believed that. You feel what you feel and since you "can't control how you feel, you are powerless over your feelings." Right? Wrong.
We process the experiences we have using our deeply ingrained thoughts. Those ingrained thoughts are learned behaviors and reactions and are the driving force behind how we view and ultimately feel about our experiences, those in our life, and ultimately our value as a person. Those ingrained thoughts determine our level of self esteem. The more we focus on the negative thoughts and feelings, the stronger they become. Just as weight lifting increases the power and strength of the muscle being focused on, the same is true with our thoughts and feelings. That which we give the most focus to becomes the power force that enables our happiness or prevents it.
So we need to not only be aware of our positive and negative thoughts, we also need to practice feeling our feelings.
MYTH #2: YOU ATTRACT THINGS WITH YOUR MIND
Have you fallen for this one? I have. Have you tried to attract something great only to be disappointed when it didn't show up? You may have written in journals, created vision boards, or even repeated affirmations. Don't misunderstand - there's nothing wrong with these techniques, except that they all focus on the mind.
They imply that if your mental body thinks enough about something, then that will attract it.
It's simply not true. You see, you don't attract things by thinking them. You attract things when you can FEEL them. If you feel happy you vibrate with happiness. And when you do that, you attract even more happiness to you. You are literally 'in tune' to the frequency of happiness.
So to truly learn to attract, you must learn to transform your feelings.
MYTH #3: YOU TRULY WANT WHAT YOU THINK YOU WANT
This myth is the biggest one there is.
It goes against everything you have learned or been taught, but I see it in many people who tell me that they want to be happy but just aren't. I saw it in myself.
Are you ready for it?
You don't really want to be happy.
Sounds crazy, doesn't it.
I know...I know...
You're saying - Deborah, I have spent so much time and money trying to be happy, of course I want it!!
But I can show you that you don't.
Let me tell you a story about a woman I know closely. Ok, she is me.
I am just like you. I've done lots of personal growth work and consider myself to be an evolved person.
But I still wasn't happy. I tried to blame it on the things that were happening in my life. Yet, I knew other people that had experienced great trials and traumas and were always positive and happy.
Why wasn't I?
It's simple.
Even though I thought that I wanted to be happy, my emotional body wasn't on board. It was all in my head - literally. I was stuck in the details and the struggles of life. I couldn't seem to move forward. After being tossed about by recent struggles and heartbreak, I especially didn't know how to 'find my happy'.
You literally have to train yourself to access happiness and enjoy it.
Sounds crazy, I know.
But these three myths are preventing you from accessing the happiness that is waiting for you.
THE SECRET TO YOUR HAPPINESS IS HIDDEN IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS TOGETHER
That's right. You understand now why you're still not happy. You need to change not just what you think but also how you feel. But you can't do that by trying to. Trying leaves you a loophole and keeps the door of failure open. You don't do it by trying, you do it by DOING. It's a process that takes time. Aren't you and those in your life worth putting in that time?
Let's get started then.
First, remove your mask. You know the one I'm talking about. It's the one we all have that we all hide behind. It's time to get very real with yourself. Do you find yourself doing things you wish you didn't do? What are those things? How do they impact your life and those around you? Do you find yourself not doing things that you wish you did do or that you know you need to do? What fears are holding you back? How is that impacting your life and those around you? Get real with your answers. What have you done to try to change those things? How COMMITTED have you been or did you always leave yourself an 'out'? What self-sabotaging or relationship sabotaging beliefs have you held onto? You will 'find what you expect' so it is important to be very honest in your self evaluation.
Now that you have your answers, you have your blueprint. It's time to clear the old junk out of your mind. Hypnotherapy is a very effective way to clear away the junk and deep seated ingrained thoughts and beliefs you have acquired. It can also give you coping techniques for dealing with stress when it pops up, but you also need ongoing support as you move ahead in your life when the normal pitfalls and old habits try to reinsert themselves. You need support in place to help hold you accountable, to remind you when you are slipping, to encourage you when you fall, and to help you practice your new learned skills until they become mainstream for you.
During this process, visualize your happy future. What does it look like? What does it involve? Who does it involve? More importantly, what does it FEEL like? Let yourself actually FEEL what your happy feels like. Then, when you feel it, act as if.
I know that sounds oversimplified and perhaps it is. It does work though and it is very contagious. Try this little experiment if you want to prove it to yourself. For one whole day, determine to act happy no matter what struggles you are facing. How do those around you then react? If you go into a grocery store and smile and say hi to those you meet, how do they respond? When you interact with your co-workers, friends and family in a happy manner, how do they react to you? Then, the next day be determined to go through your day grumpy and sour. Notice again how those around you react. Notice the difference? The more you act as if, and those around you react in kind, the more you begin to FEEL happy. The same stresses you are facing in your relationship, family, or at work are still there but what has changed is your attitude. It becomes a version of 'pay it forward' and those around you will pay forward what you have given them. Try it for yourself and see what happens.
Now, let your mind go back to a time when you truly felt happy. What are you feeling? Who are you with? What are you doing? Let the memory and the feeling wash over you. What is happening in your life at that time? Spend enough time in that happy memory to completely infuse yourself with that good feeling. Then, hold onto that feeling and mentally go through the things in your life that are positives, the things that are happy. Mentally go over your gratitude list including whatever you are grateful for no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. Focus on those things or people and on the feeling of gratitude and happiness you feel for them. While keeping that happy feeling, now mentally go through your list of negatives. If you catch yourself starting to feel negative, stop and go back and reclaim your happy memory. Practice keeping your happy feeling while observing the negatives. Own your attitude.
Practice this so that you can reclaim that happy feeling at will. When you catch yourself with negative thoughts or feelings starting to take control, mentally stop and go back to that happy time you remembered and the happy feeling that accompanied it. Reclaim it. Act 'as if'.
I did this exercise recently in a coaching session. My client had many reasons to not be happy yet her personal agenda for our session was to be happy. She detailed all the things that had happened in her life that had kept happiness at bay. I walked her through the process of remembering a time when she felt truly happy and in reclaiming that feeling. With encouragement, I then asked her to hold onto that happy feeling and act "as if" while again going over her list of disappointments, struggles, and heartbreak. She found that she was able to view those things in a slightly different light. She was able to view those involved from a more compassionate place. They were still things that were happening or had happened, but she was able to see that she could still FEEL happy in spite of them. She was giggling after she did it. "Wow", she said, "That feels completely different. I can't believe I feel so happy."
The door to her happiness swung wide open....all because she reclaimed the feeling of happy and acted as if.
Is everything in my life happy? No. I am still facing some monumental situations and I am still deeply saddened and grieving over the recent loss of my beloved grandfather. Those things are part of the life experience. However, I am happy by choosing to focus on the happy things in my life and being grateful for the good things that I do have. I have learned to let go of the need for control of others. I have learned to let go of the need to control the outcome of situations and events.
The path is there for you too... won't you join me?
Deborah is a Relationship Life Coach. She specializes in Divorce Preparation and Recovery, Couples Coaching, Crisis Coaching, and Grief Recovery. She is passionate and uniquely qualified to assist her clients in uncovering personal roadblocks to live an empowered life on purpose. She founded a non-profit foundation for unwed pregnant teens and battered women and children. She believes strongly in the philosophy that we experience situations in life to learn and grow strength from, so that we can then help someone else that follows. Giving back is very important to her. When she is not coaching or writing she enjoys spending time with her 4 children and 3 grandchildren, traveling, cooking, sky diving and scuba diving.
Article Source
Can you really be happy when in the midst of life's storms?
Let me begin by telling you that I have been in the valley of the shadow.
I have experienced things in my life good and bad, very painful and joyful. I have experienced things that most people do not experience. Some may experience one or two of them, but very few ever experience ALL of them. While I have regrets for lost relationships or certain behaviors that have caused pain for others, I do not regret my life. I have learned that you never know what life has in store for you. Gardeners know that the ground is working the hardest when it is barren. It is always the most difficult before it blooms.
There are no accidents. There is only failure when you quit. You are at the exact place in your life where you are supposed to be, to learn the lessons you need to learn to grow and progress. THAT is what motivated you to find me, to read this article. You may feel injured, trapped, lost or afraid. Perhaps something is not working in your life, something is off balance, something is missing and you want to change it.
You have done all the personal growth work.
You know so much about yourself.
But that really hasn't changed the demons inside, has it?
You still just aren't happy. You still do things you wish you didn't do and don't do things that you wish you did do.
Maybe your mind assaults you and keeps you worried late into the night, or maybe you notice it's the negative emotions that keep stalking you.
Any compliment you are given is responded to by that quiet inner voice that says 'FRAUD'.
You can't seem to get rid of them no matter what you do.
First you need to understand that it's not your fault.
No, it's not your fault nothing has changed yet.
It is just that you keep on trying to change the wrong things. You may know clearly what you need to change about yourself, but like me, you weren't shown HOW to change those things. You can release negative experiences from your past so they no longer affect you, but HOW do you create within you a core change to be able to maintain peace and serenity within yourself when new things happen that pummel you?
Let me explain the three most common myths keeping you stuck.
MYTH #1: CHANGING YOUR THINKING CHANGES YOUR LIFE
This myth is so pervasive you find it in almost all self-help literature. And really, it sounds great, doesn't it?
But there is a reason it hasn't worked for you: Simply changing your thinking doesn't have the power to make you happy.
That's right.
What you think does not define your life although it does have power over you. Rather, it's how you FEEL that is the secret to happiness. It is not just about the mind - or what I call the mental body.
It's about the emotions - what I call the emotional body.
You see, when you feel good, you don't have negative thoughts. Things look bright and you see the good in your life. You see the good in your relationships with your partner, friends and family. You are full of hopes, dreams, desires, and the possibilities for what can be. You see the positive traits in yourself and those in your life. You feel as if you can make it through anything.
But when you feel bad, you have lots of negative thoughts. You have negative thoughts about yourself, your relationships, and your life in general. You see a running list of the negative traits of those in your life. Things seem dark or hopeless. You feel like a failure in even the most basic of things. You do not feel hope. You lose your dreams and desires. The possibilities for what can be only center on failing and hopelessness. There is a constant dark cloud that stays with you even when good things happen.
So instead of focusing on only changing your thoughts, you need to learn to also transform your feelings.
But wait, isn't it true that you feel what you feel? I had always believed that. You feel what you feel and since you "can't control how you feel, you are powerless over your feelings." Right? Wrong.
We process the experiences we have using our deeply ingrained thoughts. Those ingrained thoughts are learned behaviors and reactions and are the driving force behind how we view and ultimately feel about our experiences, those in our life, and ultimately our value as a person. Those ingrained thoughts determine our level of self esteem. The more we focus on the negative thoughts and feelings, the stronger they become. Just as weight lifting increases the power and strength of the muscle being focused on, the same is true with our thoughts and feelings. That which we give the most focus to becomes the power force that enables our happiness or prevents it.
So we need to not only be aware of our positive and negative thoughts, we also need to practice feeling our feelings.
MYTH #2: YOU ATTRACT THINGS WITH YOUR MIND
Have you fallen for this one? I have. Have you tried to attract something great only to be disappointed when it didn't show up? You may have written in journals, created vision boards, or even repeated affirmations. Don't misunderstand - there's nothing wrong with these techniques, except that they all focus on the mind.
They imply that if your mental body thinks enough about something, then that will attract it.
It's simply not true. You see, you don't attract things by thinking them. You attract things when you can FEEL them. If you feel happy you vibrate with happiness. And when you do that, you attract even more happiness to you. You are literally 'in tune' to the frequency of happiness.
So to truly learn to attract, you must learn to transform your feelings.
MYTH #3: YOU TRULY WANT WHAT YOU THINK YOU WANT
This myth is the biggest one there is.
It goes against everything you have learned or been taught, but I see it in many people who tell me that they want to be happy but just aren't. I saw it in myself.
Are you ready for it?
You don't really want to be happy.
Sounds crazy, doesn't it.
I know...I know...
You're saying - Deborah, I have spent so much time and money trying to be happy, of course I want it!!
But I can show you that you don't.
Let me tell you a story about a woman I know closely. Ok, she is me.
I am just like you. I've done lots of personal growth work and consider myself to be an evolved person.
But I still wasn't happy. I tried to blame it on the things that were happening in my life. Yet, I knew other people that had experienced great trials and traumas and were always positive and happy.
Why wasn't I?
It's simple.
Even though I thought that I wanted to be happy, my emotional body wasn't on board. It was all in my head - literally. I was stuck in the details and the struggles of life. I couldn't seem to move forward. After being tossed about by recent struggles and heartbreak, I especially didn't know how to 'find my happy'.
You literally have to train yourself to access happiness and enjoy it.
Sounds crazy, I know.
But these three myths are preventing you from accessing the happiness that is waiting for you.
THE SECRET TO YOUR HAPPINESS IS HIDDEN IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS TOGETHER
That's right. You understand now why you're still not happy. You need to change not just what you think but also how you feel. But you can't do that by trying to. Trying leaves you a loophole and keeps the door of failure open. You don't do it by trying, you do it by DOING. It's a process that takes time. Aren't you and those in your life worth putting in that time?
Let's get started then.
First, remove your mask. You know the one I'm talking about. It's the one we all have that we all hide behind. It's time to get very real with yourself. Do you find yourself doing things you wish you didn't do? What are those things? How do they impact your life and those around you? Do you find yourself not doing things that you wish you did do or that you know you need to do? What fears are holding you back? How is that impacting your life and those around you? Get real with your answers. What have you done to try to change those things? How COMMITTED have you been or did you always leave yourself an 'out'? What self-sabotaging or relationship sabotaging beliefs have you held onto? You will 'find what you expect' so it is important to be very honest in your self evaluation.
Now that you have your answers, you have your blueprint. It's time to clear the old junk out of your mind. Hypnotherapy is a very effective way to clear away the junk and deep seated ingrained thoughts and beliefs you have acquired. It can also give you coping techniques for dealing with stress when it pops up, but you also need ongoing support as you move ahead in your life when the normal pitfalls and old habits try to reinsert themselves. You need support in place to help hold you accountable, to remind you when you are slipping, to encourage you when you fall, and to help you practice your new learned skills until they become mainstream for you.
During this process, visualize your happy future. What does it look like? What does it involve? Who does it involve? More importantly, what does it FEEL like? Let yourself actually FEEL what your happy feels like. Then, when you feel it, act as if.
I know that sounds oversimplified and perhaps it is. It does work though and it is very contagious. Try this little experiment if you want to prove it to yourself. For one whole day, determine to act happy no matter what struggles you are facing. How do those around you then react? If you go into a grocery store and smile and say hi to those you meet, how do they respond? When you interact with your co-workers, friends and family in a happy manner, how do they react to you? Then, the next day be determined to go through your day grumpy and sour. Notice again how those around you react. Notice the difference? The more you act as if, and those around you react in kind, the more you begin to FEEL happy. The same stresses you are facing in your relationship, family, or at work are still there but what has changed is your attitude. It becomes a version of 'pay it forward' and those around you will pay forward what you have given them. Try it for yourself and see what happens.
Now, let your mind go back to a time when you truly felt happy. What are you feeling? Who are you with? What are you doing? Let the memory and the feeling wash over you. What is happening in your life at that time? Spend enough time in that happy memory to completely infuse yourself with that good feeling. Then, hold onto that feeling and mentally go through the things in your life that are positives, the things that are happy. Mentally go over your gratitude list including whatever you are grateful for no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. Focus on those things or people and on the feeling of gratitude and happiness you feel for them. While keeping that happy feeling, now mentally go through your list of negatives. If you catch yourself starting to feel negative, stop and go back and reclaim your happy memory. Practice keeping your happy feeling while observing the negatives. Own your attitude.
Practice this so that you can reclaim that happy feeling at will. When you catch yourself with negative thoughts or feelings starting to take control, mentally stop and go back to that happy time you remembered and the happy feeling that accompanied it. Reclaim it. Act 'as if'.
I did this exercise recently in a coaching session. My client had many reasons to not be happy yet her personal agenda for our session was to be happy. She detailed all the things that had happened in her life that had kept happiness at bay. I walked her through the process of remembering a time when she felt truly happy and in reclaiming that feeling. With encouragement, I then asked her to hold onto that happy feeling and act "as if" while again going over her list of disappointments, struggles, and heartbreak. She found that she was able to view those things in a slightly different light. She was able to view those involved from a more compassionate place. They were still things that were happening or had happened, but she was able to see that she could still FEEL happy in spite of them. She was giggling after she did it. "Wow", she said, "That feels completely different. I can't believe I feel so happy."
The door to her happiness swung wide open....all because she reclaimed the feeling of happy and acted as if.
Is everything in my life happy? No. I am still facing some monumental situations and I am still deeply saddened and grieving over the recent loss of my beloved grandfather. Those things are part of the life experience. However, I am happy by choosing to focus on the happy things in my life and being grateful for the good things that I do have. I have learned to let go of the need for control of others. I have learned to let go of the need to control the outcome of situations and events.
The path is there for you too... won't you join me?
Deborah is a Relationship Life Coach. She specializes in Divorce Preparation and Recovery, Couples Coaching, Crisis Coaching, and Grief Recovery. She is passionate and uniquely qualified to assist her clients in uncovering personal roadblocks to live an empowered life on purpose. She founded a non-profit foundation for unwed pregnant teens and battered women and children. She believes strongly in the philosophy that we experience situations in life to learn and grow strength from, so that we can then help someone else that follows. Giving back is very important to her. When she is not coaching or writing she enjoys spending time with her 4 children and 3 grandchildren, traveling, cooking, sky diving and scuba diving.
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